Weekly update

Doppler today went smoothly and we still have a healthy, happy little heartbeat going strong in there. I am delighted, of course.

I did decide to drop a short email to 7 of my good girlfriends in the neighborhood and let them know our news but also our desire to treat it very delicately. I said that I won't be talking about it but that I did want them to know why I am getting increasingly large. I have gotten a few very kind responses so far. I expected nothing short of that but you always wonder if someone may just miss the boat.

So, in the next week, we go next week back to the MFM to have a detailed ultrasound and find out the sex...if she cooperates. Yes, I am being bold for a girl who initially predicted a boy but I feel like she's a she. I will be good either way though. That'll be my next Thursday update...in the event that nothing else transpires, good or bad, between now and then.

In unrelated life news, Big and I celebrated our 5th anniversary last week with a delicious dinner out sans Bug. It was perfect! I stuffed myself and that is saying quite a lot. , Toasted (pateurized) goat cheese and almond salad, filet mignon swimming in a delectable sauce topped with sauteed crawfish and chipotle mashed potatoes on the side. Then for dessert (because everyone knows dessert is a pregnant lady's martini) a chocolate bread pudding with vanilla creme sauce. Yum, yum and a little more yum!

Hope all is well in the world for the rest of the world.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers...our expected due date for Erin was slated to be Nov. 5 (next Thursday)...it will hopefully be a bittersweet day. Hoping to hear some good news at the doctor to offset the rest of the feelings we will be working through.

Another day, another doppler

I am just updating to let you know that all was well at the appointment today. We heard the heartbeat IMMEDIATELY. What a huge relief! I didn't even have to panic this time around.

It was divine!

I will post more later but for now, my 24 hours of acknowledged pregnancy has begun and I plan to enjoy for every second it lasts.

Wondering

Tomorrow is my monthly appointment with Super OB. Big and Bug will be there as there were no times available while Bug was at school.

I am wondering if we will have a heartbeat tomorrow.

Then, if we do still have a baby, I am wondering how long until I will feel comfortable telling anyone.

It is getting ridiculous to keep stressing about how to hide my growing belly and I shouldn't be bothering with any stress over something so dumb. I am contemplating emailing my good girlfriends here and letting them know that I am pregnant for one day out of every week...the day I see or hear the baby alive. Maybe that will let them know my reality.

I don't even care what anyone thinks of that. I just want to be able to be fat and not worry about someone noticing.

Remembering Erin

Today is a day to remember our Erin.

She is with us every day and today we get to light a candle that will send our love up to her and all her friends in heaven.

I am at a particularly difficult patch of this pregnancy and think of her remarkably often. This was the precarious time in my last pregnancy that we were between our last successful visit with a heartbeat and our next crushing blow with no heartbeat. I am over 13 weeks now and Erin died at 14w1d. I think a hundred times each day about this fact. At our dr. visit last week, the baby was measuring 13w1d...which is a week ahead of my date. That would mean that the baby is perhaps measuring 14w right now. My nerves are frayed when I think about this. I just pray...'not again, not again, not again.'

Today I saw Super OB and she did a doppler. I was greeted with my own heartbeat and unrelated whooshing for about a minute. She continued mashing away in different locations on my abdomen. Finally, when I had likely turned the fourth shade of purple, she caught it and told me to breathe. I heard it too and I did breathe. That was hard but ultimately a sweet relief.

So, today we have a heartbeat for this baby and she can celebrate her sister, Erin right along with us tonight.

Perinatalogist....check. NT scan...check.

The visit went great! Our risk for Down's and Trisomy 18 is as if I was a 20-year old so I couldn't be happier. The baby was restful but we had a healthy heartbeat 168 bpm and Big got his first live views of this baby. He really enjoyed it.

I got to finally sit and discuss our last pregnancy directly with the doctor who had been consulting my case with my OB. It was wonderful to finally meet with him and hear his thoughts directly. He explained some things that are really working in our favor and a few things we need to continue to monitor to ensure my health and safety through this pregnancy.

In light of that, I am becoming his patient and will be seeing him every 4 weeks in alternating 2 week rotations with Super OB. That is really reassuring to me. I will get to see a doctor about our baby every 2 weeks, at least, through the remainder of this pregnancy...however long that may be. In the interim, I am going to be visiting my OB every week that I don't have an appointment for dopplers to put my fears at ease until I feel movement consistently.

God bless these doctors for being so helpful and thoughtful about my peace of mind. Super OB and the perinatalogist are both big supporters of me getting weekly dopplers/frequent ultrasounds to closely monitor growth and healthy heartbeats. Amen to that!

I am going to soak up a good day and pray for more to come...of course, I will be curled in a chair fighting the nausea. Nevertheless, our baby is alive today and we have great support in place for the future!

Impromptu OB visit

Well, I had some strange cramping on Tuesday and the freaking out began in earnest. I called the OB's office on Wednesday to schedule a visit to try and find the heartbeat with the doppler. I asked to come in Thursday or Friday and they got me in Thursday morning.

Again, they are my heroes!!

When I got called back, the nurse walked me to a room and clarified that I was there to check for a heartbeat. I said yes and she scooted out quickly to get my doctor...Super OB. A few minutes later, Super OB poked her head in my room and asked if I wanted to do an ultrasound. I defer to her on all matters related to my pregnancy. She said she'd rather do an u/s so we could be sure that we weren't missing a heartbeat via doppler due to how early along I am. (I am 11w plus) So, we went into an ultrasound room and she quickly turned the screen so I could see the bouncing bundle of baby that was wiggling around the screen. Healthy heartbeat at 160bpm.

Disaster averted! We still have a baby despite the wacky cramping.

I talked with her about how disconnected I feel but seeing the baby again on the screen made it feel slightly more real. She said that it was normal and reiterated that they are available anytime to check for a heartbeat if I am having doubts. She explained that until I am feeling movement consistently, I am in limbo and the stress of worry is easy to calm with a simple listen on the doppler. Then because we had discussed my apprehension with the doppler after my last terrible experience with it...she suggested we go back to the original room I started in and just check to be sure we can hear the baby's heartbeat on it. That way, I can have a good memory of the doppler before the next time I go in for an appointment. Yes, she is a star in my book!! We went ahead and listened on the doppler and heard a nice steady, happy, healthy heartbeat. It was out-of-body for me.

So, I have another few days until the NT scan and then I will still ask the tech to keep the plasma turned off until she has confirmed a living baby. Then, if all is okay, we will have a chance to see the little one again in great detail and on a 42-inch plasma screen in hi-def.

And by the way, this little one is actually going to change me from my original prediction....she is a little girl. I feel so certain based on my nausea and the heart rates. I know people say it's a lot of bunk but I know what a boy pregnancy felt like and I know what a girl pregnancy felt like. And I know what both their heart rates were. And based on that, in my experience of pregnancy, we are having a girl. I have been sooooooo pro-boy for our second child and yet I felt a peace and excitement last night at the possibility of a girl. If we get that far, I am going to be thrilled with a daughter, too!

Between now and then, I will continue to take care of myself and pray for health and strength.

On the note of prayer...I make it my focus to never pray for an outcome but rather to pray for the peace and strength to handle whatever outcome we reach in any situation. As much as I try to adhere to that rule with myself, I caved like a house of cards while waiting for our u/s and I began to pray for a heartbeat. I felt weak but it was simply how desperately I wanted it that came out. I am still praying for peace and strength with this pregnancy but I may occasionally have to throw in a wishful outcome prayer!

OB visit #2 for pregnancy #3

Just home from the OB.

Super OB elected to do an ultrasound to save us the worry if we couldn't hear the heartbeat on doppler yet since I am only 10w4d along. She saw the heartbeat but I for damn sure couldn't see crap on that thing. When she moved the magic wand to get a different angle, I saw the little one hopping all around and waving arms and kicking legs. Today we still have a baby.

I didn't feel happy or anything really. It was like it was happening to someone else. That's how this whole thing has been happening for me. All except for that delightful nausea...that's definitely happening to me. So, we made it through our 2nd appointment.

I go to the perinatalogist in a week and a half for the first trimester screen. So, if the baby is still alive for that. I will have another opportunity to see the little one boogie on the big screen. They have an awesome HD plasma screen at that office and that will be something interesting. Of course, I am not at all looking forward to what that will be like. I am going to keep my eyes closed until I get confirmation that I won't see another dead baby, lifeless and limp, on the big screen. That would be unbearable.

On another note, I got my flu shot today. The doctor recommended not waiting because the flu season is hitting hard and fast already and she thought that would be more dangerous to me and the little one than getting the shot today. I completely trust her. She would do nothing to me that would put the baby at risk after what we have experienced. And the nurse who gave me the flu shot kicked sweet ass! I didn't feel a thing but a tiny bit of warmth when she injected the vaccine. I wish they were all that good at delivering shots...I wouldn't be so hesitant if it were the case.

Paranoia can rest for the next 24 hours. I am giving myself only that long before doubt and fear creep back in. Until then, I will breathe and let it ride.