Remembering Erin

Today is a day to remember our Erin.

She is with us every day and today we get to light a candle that will send our love up to her and all her friends in heaven.

I am at a particularly difficult patch of this pregnancy and think of her remarkably often. This was the precarious time in my last pregnancy that we were between our last successful visit with a heartbeat and our next crushing blow with no heartbeat. I am over 13 weeks now and Erin died at 14w1d. I think a hundred times each day about this fact. At our dr. visit last week, the baby was measuring 13w1d...which is a week ahead of my date. That would mean that the baby is perhaps measuring 14w right now. My nerves are frayed when I think about this. I just pray...'not again, not again, not again.'

Today I saw Super OB and she did a doppler. I was greeted with my own heartbeat and unrelated whooshing for about a minute. She continued mashing away in different locations on my abdomen. Finally, when I had likely turned the fourth shade of purple, she caught it and told me to breathe. I heard it too and I did breathe. That was hard but ultimately a sweet relief.

So, today we have a heartbeat for this baby and she can celebrate her sister, Erin right along with us tonight.

Hanging on...hanging in.

Still here.

Unfortunately, I am sick right now and that just sucks but it will pass. Until then, I lay low and the Bug gets to watch WAY too much Dora, Diego and Sprout programming.

A little catch up...
We went on vacation last week but wound up cutting it short b/c the Bug got sick. We had a blast until we left though. I must say...if you live within 5 hours of a Great Wolf Lodge and you and/or your little one(s) are water fans at all...Do yourselves a favor and head over for a night or two. They have a great set-up and it is kinda Disney-ish on a much smaller scale. It's a great place for families!!!

I have been feeling very nauseated still but have had days where I have felt much less so than before. So, naturally, I suspect that this pregnancy has gone the way of the dinosaurs. Having a missed miscarriage has made this pregnancy more torture than anything else. Everyday I just assume the baby is dead. I thought I would be less like this but I was wrong. I keep looking for blood when I wipe but the lack of blood does nothing to allay my fears.

My next OB appointment is on Thursday afternoon and I am not looking forward to it. I haven't decided what I want to do. I will have the option of having a doppler or ultrasound. I doubt we will hear anything on the doppler since I will be a little over 10 weeks but I know it's possible. I just can't bear to hear nothing when she tries with that and still there is the possibility of everything being too early to detect yet. But another damn ultrasound just makes me panic, too. Maybe I will ask for an ultrasound and close my eyes so I can't see her expression. That will only delay the inevitable but in any case, it may be more bearable. Who the fuck knows?! Who even cares?! No matter what...it's out of my hands entirely.

We are still at such a precarious time in this pregnancy that a loss is a very realistic outcome. I have hopes that we will still have a baby after this next doctor visit but I am very disconnected from the actual reality of that. We shall see and I will just buckle up and ride it out until then. After all, if we do get so lucky as to get past this appointment with the pregnancy intact, I will have another 4 weeks of this ahead. Of course, at that point, I will be able to go in for weekly dopplers to calm some of this insanity.

I guess, I just get to wait and see.

Tentative

My first OB appointment is on Friday morning. I am not looking forward to it. I have been nauseated but no other symptoms at this point. I know that symptoms don't ensure a healthy pregnancy and the lack of symptoms doesn't curse pregnancy but I am feeling tentative at best so far.

I wouldn't be terribly surprised if this pregnancy isn't going to "take." Upset...yes. Surprised...unequivocally not. I think it is self-preservation in effect but I really just haven't allowed myself to operate under the assumption that I am pregnant again. My nurse and I discussed it and she agreed that it was probably a good way to approach this until we have been in to see them for the first visit. She realizes that I will drive myself batty with doubt, worry and stress if given the chance to believe it's real so soon.


Note to self and anyone else like me who goes crazy with worry...don't pee on a stick the very first instant you can. Wait until your period is late. Like a month late. By then you are beyond, at least, a bit of the worry. Of course, who are those people?! The ones who make up the cases on the "I-didn't-know-I-was-pregnant" show? What kind of people don't obsessively take temps, spread saliva on ferning microscopes and record cervical mucus and placement?! I don't know but by golly life would be sweet if I was one of them.

In any case, I am just waiting to see what we find on Friday. Unfortunately, no matter what we find...there's just no cause for celebration this time around. Call me negative. I choose to call it tentative.