OB visit #2 for pregnancy #3

Just home from the OB.

Super OB elected to do an ultrasound to save us the worry if we couldn't hear the heartbeat on doppler yet since I am only 10w4d along. She saw the heartbeat but I for damn sure couldn't see crap on that thing. When she moved the magic wand to get a different angle, I saw the little one hopping all around and waving arms and kicking legs. Today we still have a baby.

I didn't feel happy or anything really. It was like it was happening to someone else. That's how this whole thing has been happening for me. All except for that delightful nausea...that's definitely happening to me. So, we made it through our 2nd appointment.

I go to the perinatalogist in a week and a half for the first trimester screen. So, if the baby is still alive for that. I will have another opportunity to see the little one boogie on the big screen. They have an awesome HD plasma screen at that office and that will be something interesting. Of course, I am not at all looking forward to what that will be like. I am going to keep my eyes closed until I get confirmation that I won't see another dead baby, lifeless and limp, on the big screen. That would be unbearable.

On another note, I got my flu shot today. The doctor recommended not waiting because the flu season is hitting hard and fast already and she thought that would be more dangerous to me and the little one than getting the shot today. I completely trust her. She would do nothing to me that would put the baby at risk after what we have experienced. And the nurse who gave me the flu shot kicked sweet ass! I didn't feel a thing but a tiny bit of warmth when she injected the vaccine. I wish they were all that good at delivering shots...I wouldn't be so hesitant if it were the case.

Paranoia can rest for the next 24 hours. I am giving myself only that long before doubt and fear creep back in. Until then, I will breathe and let it ride.

Convinced

Today I am convinced this pregnancy is no more. I am still sick as a dog and puttering around barely alive but the nausea has subsided noticeably in light of all the other sick symptoms that have cluttered my body and it has me sure.

It doesn't hurt that the idiot machine of Baby.center.com sent an email today (to a 10-week pregnant mommy) that addressed kick counts and how tight my clothing should be by now. That brings me back to my conviction of the there's-no-longer-a-baby-living-in-my-uterus variety. I was pretty uncomfortable in my normal clothes by the time I was 10 weeks pregnant with Bug (preg#1) and I was even more puffy when pregnant with Erin (preg#2). But this time, 10 weeks and I was blown away by how slim I looked this morning when I got dressed to drop Bug at school. Not good for the possibility of a growing fetus inside.

Appointment is on Thursday afternoon. Less than 48 hours until the wait is over or kicked back to the beginning of another 4 week wait.

It may also be easier for me to live in certainty that it's over...that way, when I hear those words the recovery time may be shortened.

We shall see.

Hanging on...hanging in.

Still here.

Unfortunately, I am sick right now and that just sucks but it will pass. Until then, I lay low and the Bug gets to watch WAY too much Dora, Diego and Sprout programming.

A little catch up...
We went on vacation last week but wound up cutting it short b/c the Bug got sick. We had a blast until we left though. I must say...if you live within 5 hours of a Great Wolf Lodge and you and/or your little one(s) are water fans at all...Do yourselves a favor and head over for a night or two. They have a great set-up and it is kinda Disney-ish on a much smaller scale. It's a great place for families!!!

I have been feeling very nauseated still but have had days where I have felt much less so than before. So, naturally, I suspect that this pregnancy has gone the way of the dinosaurs. Having a missed miscarriage has made this pregnancy more torture than anything else. Everyday I just assume the baby is dead. I thought I would be less like this but I was wrong. I keep looking for blood when I wipe but the lack of blood does nothing to allay my fears.

My next OB appointment is on Thursday afternoon and I am not looking forward to it. I haven't decided what I want to do. I will have the option of having a doppler or ultrasound. I doubt we will hear anything on the doppler since I will be a little over 10 weeks but I know it's possible. I just can't bear to hear nothing when she tries with that and still there is the possibility of everything being too early to detect yet. But another damn ultrasound just makes me panic, too. Maybe I will ask for an ultrasound and close my eyes so I can't see her expression. That will only delay the inevitable but in any case, it may be more bearable. Who the fuck knows?! Who even cares?! No matter what...it's out of my hands entirely.

We are still at such a precarious time in this pregnancy that a loss is a very realistic outcome. I have hopes that we will still have a baby after this next doctor visit but I am very disconnected from the actual reality of that. We shall see and I will just buckle up and ride it out until then. After all, if we do get so lucky as to get past this appointment with the pregnancy intact, I will have another 4 weeks of this ahead. Of course, at that point, I will be able to go in for weekly dopplers to calm some of this insanity.

I guess, I just get to wait and see.

Lotto winner?!

I've played the lottery for a while now.

So, the good news...I won the lottery. It's six figures. The not-so-good news...I don't get the money immediately. In fact, I may not get the money at all. The worse news...in order to possibly get the money, I need to pay the taxes up front. I will find out after all the taxes have been paid if I actually get the payout.

What would you do? Sing from the hilltops that you won the lotto? Decide to not take your chances and just hang back without paying the taxes? Pay the taxes and hope? Pay the taxes and sing from the hilltops even knowing that it may not go your way?

I am hanging in there. And paying the taxes. With absolutely no promises or guarantees that I will collect the cash in the end. I'm a realist so what kind of sense does this make?!



This is the closest I can come to explaining what it's like to be pregnant after our late loss. Loads of people would be happy to win the lottery. But when the lottery you have won is played by a different set of rules, the stakes change and it just doesn't feel quite the same as it does for other people. Now, don't misunderstand...I signed on for this. And I harbor no ill will against the people who win the lottery that doesn't operate by these same rules. I just feel like it helps me to define why I am not happy about this. It feels like it is a "delayed potential happiness" and it won't ever be real until we have a baby. And while nothing is guaranteed right now...I feel like shit and am exhausted beyond belief. That's the paying taxes portion of my analogy.

I could cruise through 15 weeks again and find out...no baby for you! I could find out in 3 days...no baby for you! I could make it to 28 weeks and find out...no baby for you. These things do happen and I am (un)lucky enough to know that now. I hope to make it far beyond that and get the prize at the end but I am here and this is my story for now.

TheOtherJustRelax is what prompted me to write this post. Murgdan is normally the one putting together flawless analogies with startling frequency and her post hit me in the face and brought me to an analogy of my own. I am right in the middle of that place where people would blow the "just relax" smoke up my ass if given even a split second. Still, I can't dislike them. They just don't know any better and they are lucky that they don't. I hope they don't ever have to live in this world and be told to "just relax and enjoy it." Because, I can assure you...we are not relaxing and we are not enjoing the pregnancy. We will enjoy the baby when and if we get there. Until then, I just hope to keep this news to ourselves and lock the rest of the world out. I'm simply not interested in the 'kind words of congratulations or advice.' We're just not there yet.