I've played the lottery for a while now.
So, the good news...I won the lottery. It's six figures. The not-so-good news...I don't get the money immediately. In fact, I may not get the money at all. The worse news...in order to possibly get the money, I need to pay the taxes up front. I will find out after all the taxes have been paid if I actually get the payout.
What would you do? Sing from the hilltops that you won the lotto? Decide to not take your chances and just hang back without paying the taxes? Pay the taxes and hope? Pay the taxes and sing from the hilltops even knowing that it may not go your way?
I am hanging in there. And paying the taxes. With absolutely no promises or guarantees that I will collect the cash in the end. I'm a realist so what kind of sense does this make?!
This is the closest I can come to explaining what it's like to be pregnant after our late loss. Loads of people would be happy to win the lottery. But when the lottery you have won is played by a different set of rules, the stakes change and it just doesn't feel quite the same as it does for other people. Now, don't misunderstand...I signed on for this. And I harbor no ill will against the people who win the lottery that doesn't operate by these same rules. I just feel like it helps me to define why I am not happy about this. It feels like it is a "delayed potential happiness" and it won't ever be real until we have a baby. And while nothing is guaranteed right now...I feel like shit and am exhausted beyond belief. That's the paying taxes portion of my analogy.
I could cruise through 15 weeks again and find out...no baby for you! I could find out in 3 days...no baby for you! I could make it to 28 weeks and find out...no baby for you. These things do happen and I am (un)lucky enough to know that now. I hope to make it far beyond that and get the prize at the end but I am here and this is my story for now.
TheOtherJustRelax is what prompted me to write this post. Murgdan is normally the one putting together flawless analogies with startling frequency and her post hit me in the face and brought me to an analogy of my own. I am right in the middle of that place where people would blow the "just relax" smoke up my ass if given even a split second. Still, I can't dislike them. They just don't know any better and they are lucky that they don't. I hope they don't ever have to live in this world and be told to "just relax and enjoy it." Because, I can assure you...we are not relaxing and we are not enjoing the pregnancy. We will enjoy the baby when and if we get there. Until then, I just hope to keep this news to ourselves and lock the rest of the world out. I'm simply not interested in the 'kind words of congratulations or advice.' We're just not there yet.
Making Bets
2 weeks ago
1 comment:
What a great analogy! I wish I could tell you it gets easier after a certain point, but it doesn't. The only 'milestone' that will help ease your mind is the very last one - the one in which you are holding a real, live baby in your arms.
I never realized how hard pregnancy after loss was until a few months ago when I told my husband that I suddenly felt much 'lighter' and like I could handle a little bit more (despite having 3 children.) His reponse? "That's because for the first time in MONTHS, you have nothing to obsess or worry about." While I still have lots that I worry about, having another dead baby isn't one of them. I so hope you get to that point.
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