Hanging on...hanging in.

Still here.

Unfortunately, I am sick right now and that just sucks but it will pass. Until then, I lay low and the Bug gets to watch WAY too much Dora, Diego and Sprout programming.

A little catch up...
We went on vacation last week but wound up cutting it short b/c the Bug got sick. We had a blast until we left though. I must say...if you live within 5 hours of a Great Wolf Lodge and you and/or your little one(s) are water fans at all...Do yourselves a favor and head over for a night or two. They have a great set-up and it is kinda Disney-ish on a much smaller scale. It's a great place for families!!!

I have been feeling very nauseated still but have had days where I have felt much less so than before. So, naturally, I suspect that this pregnancy has gone the way of the dinosaurs. Having a missed miscarriage has made this pregnancy more torture than anything else. Everyday I just assume the baby is dead. I thought I would be less like this but I was wrong. I keep looking for blood when I wipe but the lack of blood does nothing to allay my fears.

My next OB appointment is on Thursday afternoon and I am not looking forward to it. I haven't decided what I want to do. I will have the option of having a doppler or ultrasound. I doubt we will hear anything on the doppler since I will be a little over 10 weeks but I know it's possible. I just can't bear to hear nothing when she tries with that and still there is the possibility of everything being too early to detect yet. But another damn ultrasound just makes me panic, too. Maybe I will ask for an ultrasound and close my eyes so I can't see her expression. That will only delay the inevitable but in any case, it may be more bearable. Who the fuck knows?! Who even cares?! No matter what...it's out of my hands entirely.

We are still at such a precarious time in this pregnancy that a loss is a very realistic outcome. I have hopes that we will still have a baby after this next doctor visit but I am very disconnected from the actual reality of that. We shall see and I will just buckle up and ride it out until then. After all, if we do get so lucky as to get past this appointment with the pregnancy intact, I will have another 4 weeks of this ahead. Of course, at that point, I will be able to go in for weekly dopplers to calm some of this insanity.

I guess, I just get to wait and see.