Traveling incognito

So, I want to come clean. I have another blog that I started not too long ago but I needed to kick this one off because I needed a more anonymous place to speak freely. The other blog is a great outlet but then I got a positive pee stick. The other one no longer does the trick. I can't blog about it over there and I have a need to get a lot off my chest about it.

I struggled for about a week and then decided to start a Blogger blog. Don't you know...I'm much happier with the Blogger layout as it is much easier to follow my blog list. I can see when blogs that I enjoy are updated. Wordpress doesn't have that convenient feature. I may ultimately copy over all my wordpress blogs and invite my readers/friends over here. But not until this pregnancy results in a baby rather than a messy series of hospital/doctor visits and blood draws.

So, let me just throw out some of what I am feeling lately. It's a mixed bag of emotions.

Ambivalence...again. I thought I was ambivalent about trying again after our loss with Erin. That's what we named the little girl we lost. Erin Greer. I was so grey during my last ovulation that I was at a loss for what exactly we should do. It's clear we went ahead and tried since we're pregnant today. I have felt this since we got the positive pee stick nearly 2 weeks ago.

Fear...how soon until this one goes to crap?I am checking the toilet paper like some nut-job with a wiping fetish. Strangely enough, I didn't miscarry with Erin. So the toilet paper exercise is just generalized fear. I am also TERRIFIED of the initial OB visit. We get an ultrasound after a grueling hour-long interview and wait to see the doctor. And I just can't imagine what that time will be like. Sitting in the office just waiting and wondering if there will be a heartbeat. It's going to flat-out suck monster balls! And even if we do see a heartbeat, the fear won't end there...since we couldn't find Erin's heartbeat after several confirmations that she was there and healthy. Who the hell goes 15 weeks and finds out their baby is dead?! Me.

Hopeful...what are the chances that I will have another late loss? Really, they aren't that common. I was lucky enough to receive all the testing I would have gotten if I were a recurrent pregnancy loss patient. My doctor is sensitive to loss and I have no warning signs or issues that would have made a late loss even remotely likely. After all the testing is said and done, we still don't have a reason for why she died. Maybe in 9 months, we will have a brother for Bug. In the same vein, hope seems poisonous right now so I leave it behind as quickly as I find it.

Happy...in the briefest of moments before I realize that we are in limbo. And will be until April 19, 2010 should this last that long. That is the due date. I haven't even thought much about it. it's just an arbitrary date in the all-to-distant future. It means nothing until we reach it successfully with a new baby. Until then, it's just 4 days after tax day. It's next Spring. It's after Bug turns 3.

Strong...I have weathered a rough storm of pregnancy once. I have weathered a fairly easy pregnancy once. I will make it through whatever comes our way. And I am not harboring the anxiety I did when I was pregnant with Erin. I can handle two children. I will be a good mother to both, if we are so lucky as to have another. I wasn't so sure when I was pregnant with Erin. But I am sure now.

Certainty...I will say that if we make it that far...I am having a boy. I already know this based on my nausea. My pregnancy with Bug was relatively easy until about 6 weeks and then got better around 10 weeks. With Erin, I was ill from 4 weeks until I delivered her at 15 weeks 3 days. I didn't even get lucky enough to lose the nausea when I lost her heartbeat.

Don't get me wrong...we were so blessed in our loss. We could have gotten to meet her and love her but we didn't. Bug could have gotten to meet her and love her but he didn't. It is much easier to take that way. I wouldn't have been so resilient had we known her, touched her, hugged her, kissed her before we lost her. We were the lucky ones. We have an angel in heaven who chose to teach us a lesson the hard way. It takes a lot of love to teach hard lessons...ask any mother. Our angel, Erin, must love our family a lot to have chosen us and to have been the bearer of such hardship.

Above all else, I feel grateful. Grateful that we have been able to get pregnant again with relative ease. Grateful that I gained so many valuable lessons through the loss of our daughter. Grateful that I have a loving, amazing husband and the most delightful, spirited son I could have ever wished for. Grateful to have an angel who watches over us and keeps us buoyant with peace in any outcome. Grateful to have friends and family that support us and helped us through our rough time. Grateful that I have my peaceful perspective of our journey and not one of bitterness or confusion. I am confortable with the belief that everything happens for a reason. I don't need to know why or what the end purpose is now. I take comfort in knowing that, one day, it will all be much clearer to me.